The single life chose me. I’m talking about my reasoning behind ending my 2 year relationship (the longest one ever) with someone whom I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. Perhaps it was silly of me to believe that I would be with someone whom I met in high school forever, but that’s just how I felt.
The Thoughts Behind the Decision
Although 2 years is a long time, majority of the relationship was simply holding on to that title of being a couple with tenure.
Of course, in the beginning, we were adorable, as all new couples are. The love notes were abundant, pet names ran rampant, cute pictures together seemed endless, and confessions of our feelings for one another were frequent, but then all of that changed and we were reduced to mediocrity. My letters professing my undying love for him went unanswered for days, weeks, months… until I no longer expected a response. Same story goes for our once routine phone calls and “I love you”s.
Nothing more than the fact that we were together was holding us in the relationship. All that was left was the appearance of a happy couple. But on the inside, we were screaming for help.
It all started to feel like a Kate Nash song, like he was the bad guy.
But let me not construe the image, I was just as much at fault as he.
First of all, I had the not-so-bright plan of searching for my self-worth through my romantic relationships. This trend had been a hindrance in my past relationships as well and here it was again to rear its ugly head. My insecurity took form in bouts of extreme jealousy, clinginess, and constant affection. I tortured myself with the fear that he’d find someone else, lose interest, and move on.
Secondly, when my self-worth was not affirmed by my relationship (which it wasn’t), I fell back on my looks, which I didn’t think highly of. No matter the compliments I received, I was never good enough because I had already decided long ago that I simply wasn’t. I wasn’t nearly as pretty as this girl or that one and I could never be. My nose was far too large for my face, my ears jutted out embarrassingly, my waist was never slim enough, and my hair slowly dwindled away due to my disorder, Trichotillomania. A deep self-resentment had taken ahold of me.
Imagine an entire kingdom well-armed with walls of insecurity and self-hatred against a knight armed with a single compliment. That’s what he was up against.
I had to be the one to save myself.
I came to a fork in the road: continue the vicious cycle of using romantic relationships to determine my self-value or start a new path toward deriving my self-worth through things under my control. Obviously, I chose the latter; I severed the final weak ties between me and him. I may have ended a relationship with him, but I began multiple with yoga, meditation, and qigong. I even reconnected with an old love: writing.
I was finally working on myself for myself instead of attempting to change others’ perception of me. I put my spirit in my yoga practice and delved further and further into myself with each meditation; I felt the immense power I hold inside of me through qigong and with writing, I let go of my deepest doubts and fears.
Going in and out of intimate relationships never let me get to know my significant other well enough, let alone myself. Ending my long-term relationship was inevitable because I could never fully love someone until I loved myself.
Written while listening to Electronic Study: Dubstep on Songza and whilst pulling a fair amount of hair out of my head.